How Depression Made Me Stronger

11 Mar How Depression Made Me Stronger

Long post ahead.

I can confidently say that I’ve been a strong woman for most of my life. I was never afraid to work hard for what I wanted. When my sister and I were growing up, my single mother worked endless hours to provide the necessities for us. In result, my mother was rarely home. So my sister and I had to do a lot of things on our own. It was never easy and I faced many obstacles. I was bullied through elementary and high school, and people told me I was never good enough or fat. It was hard to be positive and for a long time I believed what they said. I eventually let their words be my fuel to work harder. I didn’t let many people in. I spent a lot of time numbing and not letting any feelings in. To the point where it was hard to cry. It became a foreign emotion. I never wanted to feel vulnerable again. We lived in low income housing for over 10 years till shortly after my 15th birthday. A month after we moved, I got my first job to support my sister and I. My mom and I didn’t get along so I left home. I learned to juggle working, participating in extracurricular activities, and finishing high school. I graduated a year late. I have spent the last decade working hard for a better future for myself. I had the drive to succeed.

So what happened?

It started 20 months ago (July 2014).  A little after my magical quarter century birthday where I had all my friends celebrate with me. I had my business, a steady clientele, a significant other of six years who I loved deeply, was president of the Capilano University Marketing Association (CAPUMA), and I was prepping for my first bikini fitness competition. I was in the best physical shape of my life. I was thinking “all my hard work is paying off”. I was happy. I felt on top of the world.

Everything sounded great right? I thought so too. I always focused on the positives and steered away from the negatives.

Till I started balding shortly after. I didn’t see it coming. I was shocked and confused. I showed some of my friends. It was the size of a penny. Some speculated it was my competition and some said it was stress related. So I brushed it off and assumed it was nothing.

Then it got bigger and bigger. By late September, it was the size of two quarters. It was hard to contain my panic. I had to force myself to stay more positive because the stress could impact the outcome of my physical results of my fitness competition. It didn’t work, I was so negative about everything. I could feel my mindset changing. To minimize my stress levels, I booked an appointment with a dermatologist for the following December. I always felt better when I was being proactive. As the weeks passed, I faced even more difficult situations with my business, my relationship, my role as president for CAPUMA, and in my Leadership course at CapU.

On top of that, my hair wasn’t growing back. I was so frustrated that I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I also didn’t want people to know about my problems so I kept most of it to myself. I felt like it would be a burden sharing and reminded myself I was a big girl. I could handle it. So I put a smile on and carried on.

It was clear to me at this point I needed to make some changes. I spent so much time developing and working on my relationship, business and CAPUMA.  I wasn’t spending anytime reflecting internally about myself. I knew I was partially using these factors as a way for me to escape my problems. I finally started focusing more on what made me happy and what didn’t, I took a step back. I needed to start putting myself first.

Things got a little better. My leadership course helped me address a deep rooted issue, I competed successfully in my fitness competition, my significant other worked harder on the relationship, and I spent time working on CAPUMA. I realized I enjoyed furthering my education and volunteering for my university. I also wanted to apply for study abroad and was only allowed to as a full time student.  So I decided to focus on finishing my bachelors and went full time at CapU for Spring 2015.

One day I noticed baby hairs growing out of my bald spot. It was exciting!

I went to my scheduled appointment with the dermatologist. She told me she didn’t know what caused the balding and wrote me a prescription for steroid injections. She said it would take years for my hair to grow back without it. I left her office and never filled the prescription. I firmly believed I could find a holistic approach to handle it.

My spring 2015 school semester started and my life carried on with more adjustments. I studied more, had a less intensive fitness program and worked more on my business than in it. I killed it academically, my business won an award and CAPUMA was officially recognized with the American Marketing Association in the USA. On top of that, I got a full bursary to study in Quebec for five weeks.

So I couldn’t understand why I started getting chest tightness and having a hard time breathing. Sometimes my breathing exercises wouldn’t calm it down. At first they would only last a few minutes. Then they lasted for awhile. Then for a few hours. I just ignored it. I told myself I have been strong for this long. I never needed help before and I don’t need help now. I could do anything on my own.

Before I left for Quebec, I tried to end my relationship. He moved out of our place but we still communicated. I couldn’t let go and I was still too attached. We had financial ties, so trying to figure that out was difficult. We were in the process of a “divorce”.

Going to Quebec was really refreshing. It gave me a chance to step away from the chaos. I got some time on the weekends to feed my soul by doing things that I loved. I went hiking, traveling, and met new people.  Even with the time away to reflect, I still didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life.  I questioned whether I still wanted my business. This exchange pushed me academically as learning in French full time brought on different skills.

When I came back from Quebec, we tried to work on our relationship but we realized it wasn’t healthy. So we ended it. It motivated me to start fresh. I dyed my hair back to black and donated half my closet to charity. A new chapter in my life.

For the rest of the summer I felt nothing about my relationship being over. I spent time with my friends, hiked more, worked out, found a second job, and everything was going smooth. I felt like I was making progress and happier.  I was staying busy but I didn’t acknowledge my feelings of being hurt or truly accepting what happened. I numbed it. I didn’t allow myself to fully heal. I told myself I was ready to get back out there and start dating. I started casually dating someone over the summer.

I sought a counsellor before the semester started to helped me cope with my mental barriers. I learned I was having anxiety attacks. As you can probably tell now that I have developed poor coping skills over the years. When my business wasn’t doing well and my relationship failed. I blamed myself even if it was out of my control. She helped me get comfortable with my feelings and for the first time I felt safe being vulnerable. I talked to her about EVERYTHING! I was so comfortable that I couldn’t control the tears that streamed down my face every week. I took a smaller role at CAPUMA, focused on my academics and my path of learning/healing.

The first few weeks of the Fall 2015 semester, things were okay. I was in the midst of moving back into my moms as the “divorce” was finalized. I didn’t have a relationship with my mother since I left her home. So I was grateful she allowed me to move in with her. I had to learn and adapt quickly to living with her. During this time, I couldn’t maintain my workout routine. I just brushed it off as usual. I said I didn’t “have time”. Even though I always preached about making time for what I wanted. I eventually had a hard time sleeping and often loss my appetite. Then I stopped going to my business and was often late  for my other job. It went downhill fast. The anxiety attacks starting coming on full force. I was at the point where I didn’t eat anymore, either I was sleeping all day or not sleeping, missing classes, and my workouts stopped completely.  The only thing I was doing consistently was showing up to my other job and counselling. My coworkers and counsellor made me feel better. I even missed my study abroad interview. I lost my sense of direction with the guy I was dating and tried to drag it on. I knew that this was the last thing I should have been doing. I was trying to distract myself from my own world. I had some moments where I wasn’t myself with him. He was a good man and he ended it. Which was the best thing for me. I would have never been able to do it myself.

Some days were great and some days were pretty bad. It was a roller coaster. The great days were amazing. It was like nothing ever happened. The days that were bad. I was ignoring or numbing the feelings from surfacing. It was hard to absorb the emotions that were happening especially crying. It felt abnormal to me.

I didn’t recognize these behaviours right away. I just thought I was tired.  I remember I found it so hard for awhile to get out of bed or brush my teeth. I was upset and didn’t understand why I was feeling this way. Why was something that was so simple before now so difficult? What happened to my drive? It made me sad. I always fought myself with how I was suppose to feel rather than feeling what was. I refused to be a victim of my situation.

I was subconsciously telling myself I wasn’t good enough with the negative self talk. I thought about my “failures” way too much. I use to overthink everything. My self esteem was at an ultimate low.

After a month long battle and a few breakdowns in front of my friends, I was slowly able to get back into things. It was the first time I cried in front of one of my best friends. I couldn’t even look her in the eye. My friends checked up on me every couple days. All the years of pain I held in was coming out. I now know all the changes I was doing and repression was a lot for me, causing the symptoms of depression. I refused to take medication. I took it one day at a time to get back on my feet.

Do you know what it’s like to have someone remind you to eat or just basic daily things when you don’t want to? It sucks ass but you need it so you accept it.

My friends were worried I wouldn’t be mentally well enough to handle my student exchange in China so every step of healing was important for me. I have always wanted to study abroad. I applied two times before and didn’t meet the GPA, so I got rejected. So I moved on from the idea. They reached out to me about applying again and got accepted this time despite missing my meeting. I was so happy!!

The realization of losing everything was the turning point for me. I spent years building my life and I was about to lose it all. The idea of that frightened me. I just spent three years on my business, a year and a half preparing for my fitness competition, and working hard to pay for school that I wasn’t always attending. The people around me reminded me of that and who I was when I was down. I can’t even comprehend how I got so lost so quick and heavily traumatized. I also struggled with the idea of overcoming the feeling of shame. That I overcompensated in my life because deep down I still believed I was never good enough. No matter how confident I seemed to be. I’ve mastered concealing how I felt by putting a beautifully crafted persona so no one could read me. After a full semester of counselling, I learned to be more open about how I felt with the right people. That even though I can say positive things, I have to really believe it from within to love myself.

After all this, I believe through the power of developing the mind, taking care of my body and feeding my soul. I could overcome this.

It took me a long time to build up the courage to write this post. I never liked talking about myself. I ignored all the signs my body was telling me. From the balding, anxiety attacks and the depression. I had a lot of pride. When I opened up to more people and grew confidence in talking about it. It created a ripple effect of people sharing similar experiences. It was creating such a positive change for them and myself. I was inspired!!

Today, my massive bald spot on the top of my head has grown to my ears. It’s only been 12 months not years!! You would have never known I was balding at one point.

I am in a much better place.

I have a new passion in making mental health conversations a positive experience and continuing to empower people to be the best version of themselves. Companies like Bell are standing strong with campaigns like #BellLetsTalk to bring awareness to the topic. I also believe there shouldn’t be a negative stigma discussing any type of mental health or seeking professional help. As seeing my counsellor has helped me to open up to my close friends and has significantly improved my well-being. I seldom get anxiety attacks now and depression isn’t clouding over me. I am also not ashamed of going through any of this. I want other people who may be holding back to know: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

“In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shape you.” – Andrea Dykstra

I never admitted to my coworkers, instructors or to my mom about my situation. I recently told my business partner. I’m truly thankful for my support system. For my friends who took turns helping me on tough days, CapU mentors and instructors who continued to develop me, and most importantly my sister and mom for everything!! It’s important to take a moment everyday to express gratitude for the things that go right in our life.

It’s a strange feeling reflecting back on my previous mental state. I am proud of myself and I know my friends are too. I don’t regret or would want to change anything that’s happened.

Over the next few months I want to share my experiences. I will be blogging about my experience of choosing to backpack alone for 5 weeks through Southeast Asia, my current experience of studying and living in China, and of working through some of the other pieces of my life. l want to encourage you to do the same by exercising the power of sharing. You don’t have to share it the way I am. You should only share your stories with people who have earned the right to hear it. Don’t be afraid to seek personal or professional help because you aren’t alone. Let your struggles make you stronger and wiser.

Take a leap of faith.
Own your story.
Will you leap with me?

AL